My Angel

Dear Maverick,

I'm missing you very much. I went back to work today, which felt especially nice, but I feel like I am betraying you somehow. I can see with being back at work I may become too busy to think about you all day, every day. I am okay with not thinking about you all of the time, but I fear that once I get accustomed to thinking of you less, that it will be less and less... You get the idea and that idea just stinks!

At work, a lot of people asked me how I was. There are two truths to answering that question. The first truth and most common response from me is that I am doing very well and a lot better as the days pass. That is not a lie and is becoming shockingly true. The second truth is that I am still so saddened by losing you! I choose not to respond with the second truth because I know people want to hear that I am recovering and I AM recovering. I still, just miss you so badly! I showed a few people at work your picture today and they each commented on how perfect you were. Seeing your picture brought a few people to tears, which in fact makes me feel better! I love to see that people have true emotions over your death! I have so much emotion over losing you and to see how your death affects the people who care about your dad and I, just makes everything a little easier to cope with.

I ordered some books about a week ago and they arrived in the mail today. I ordered four books for myself and one for your brother. I am spending most of my free time, reading about how to handle losing you. I have found some very inspirational blogs written by women who have lost a baby.  It seems that most women recover extremely slow from the loss of a child and it is surprising that I am doing as well as I am. I feel like because we knew you were going to have problems for a month before losing you that it gave me some time to accept losing you before we were actually faced with it. A lot of women weren't given any knowledge on their babies having complications and a lot of their babies had no complications at all. I feel like their situations came as a complete shock and can really change the way a mother of a deceased child will cope with their loss.

I just wish I could have you back! I wish you could have formed perfect and grew to be a perfect, strong and healthy boy! I'm going to read your brother his new book, it will help him understand why you are an angel now and not a living baby. I can imagine your brother is extremely confused right now. He misses you too, Maverick. We all miss you so much! I love you!

Love, Mom