Saturday, June 25, 2011

Almost a month

Dear Maverick,

It's been four weeks and one day since you were born and we said "goodbye" to you. On your birthday, I looked ahead to today and thought about how far away it seemed. Today is your cousin Delia's first birthday, she is now a toddler and is almost ready to play "hard" with your brother and your cousins! I think almost everyone we come in contact with from time to time has heard about your passing. We have either told them or they have heard by word of mouth.

This past week at work was interesting. I was busy! I had planned on calling all of my clients to tell them that I wasn't pregnant anymore, before they had a chance to see my non existent belly. I forgot to warn a few people and letting them know face to face wasn't nearly as hard as I thought. People truly are sad and have told me numerous times how strong I am! I am strong! I am much stronger then my "old" self and am proud of it! Your dad and I are the first parents we know of, that have lost a baby due to complications. We are and have been living a life full of tragedy and I wouldn't change a thing about it! Life after losing you is surprisingly, sweet! I have told you before that life is sad for us, and it can be, but lately I feel it is better described as sweet.

Before writing you today, I browsed your pictures and shared them with your dad. I haven't looked at your pictures in a while and my first thoughts were that you were so cute! Then I noticed when I zoomed in, that you had a good amount of hair. It was fuzzy and light brown. I noticed in a full body picture how short your little arms were. To be measuring only a week behind on the ultrasounds, they looked dramatically short. Your hands landed to almost the bottom of your belly. The shortness of your arms and your clubbed feet are the most obvious complications that are noticeable to us in pictures. When you were born, the doctors showed us all of your complications. It is hard to notice some of them in your pictures, and if others were to look at them, they wouldn't notice them.

I feel that because you had complications and would have struggled so hard on this earth, it is easier to let you go. I know in the future I will write you less because I have to move on. In writing you, I am keeping your memory alive. Your memory will always be kept "wildly" alive in my heart! I will remember your sweet face until the day that I die! I will continue to write to you, but it will be less and less. I hope you are okay with me taking some time for myself and your family. I know you are at peace and playing with your "Me- Maw" and "Aunt Kay" in heaven.

Here are a couple of the flowers we planted for you. They are blooming beautifully!
Rest in peace, little baby boy!

Love, Mom

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