Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Twelve days and making it!
This is your mom, writing you to tell you about the twelve days that have passed since you were born. I have spent a huge amount of time, missing you and being the saddest woman on earth! The first two days after your passing were, by far the toughest. Losing you has forced me to be stronger then I ever imagined. I'm sure your dad would agree that he is stronger then he imagined he could be as well. I'm three days away from going back to work. I'm ready to go back, but scared to face the people that knew I was pregnant with you. I know they all care for us very much but putting myself in front of them to view and judge is going to be tough. If I could stay away from anyone who knew I was pregnant forever, I would, but I know I have to get back to reality. I have to face the pain and look the grief of losing you, dead in the face! I keep telling my close friends and family the same things..
1) I'm now a mother to two son's but one is in heaven and
2) I have to be strong for you (because I'm still your mother) although you are not here with us on earth.
We have received a lot of beautiful sympathy cards and some flower arrangements. Some of our friends and family are distancing themselves from us a little. I have read that this is to be expected because people automatically assume that we need our space to grieve. That is not the case, at all.. In fact, when people distance themselves from us right now, we feel like crap. We miss you so much, and want to talk about you and be talked to about you all of the time!
About your birthday...
I want you to know how beautiful you are to us.. In heaven, I have been told, you will be perfect! A new you will form there and you will never have any of the complications you would have had here on earth. Although those complications would have been the "real" you on earth, your dad and I LOVED them all! You were perfect to us! B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!! So cute!
I miss the way you felt in my arms. I miss your sweet skin. I miss your little hands and feet. I miss the way you smelled. I missed your little pouty lips and wish I had an eternity to kiss on them. I miss your little blonde eyelashes and your full blonde eyebrows.
I wonder what your hair would have looked like? Would it be like your older brothers when he was born (at full term)? I wonder what you would have been like as a living newborn? Would you have liked a pacifier, like your brother? Would you have enjoyed nursing, like your brother? How much would you have weighed? Would you have outweighed your brother at birth? Would you have slept through the night at two months old, like your brother? All of these things and so many more, we will never know.
Although we would have loved the chance to have known you as our living son, we now have to learn to be grateful for knowing you at all..
I'm thankful for the time we got to spend with you after you were born. Although you had already passed onto heaven, I am so very grateful for those nine hours I had with you! Saying goodbye to you and watching the nurse roll you away in the hospital bassinet had to have been the hardest thing your father and I have done, EVER! We imagined in the hours close how hard it would be to actually say goodbye to you, but when it was happening we were both so incredibly sad! So sad!
We love you Maverick Jude! We will miss you forever! We will think about you everyday for the rest of our lives! We promise to tell your brother about you when he can better understand why you aren't with us here on earth. I promise to write you again very soon.